The World and Identity
Moving the internal furniture around.
I used to say, regarding my overall philosophy on people - No one wants to be an asshole. Meaning, if someone was, they were in the grips of something they were unaware of. I still think this is largely true. (With obvious exceptions; this does not incorporate those who are intentionally lying and harming - that is something else.)
When I write about the Reality-Show-World-of-Perpetually-Manufactured-Crises, I often include the identity piece, because they are fully entwined.
What can be easily missed in an unraveling version of the world is the corresponding unraveling going on inside us that happens simultaneously.
It’s more typical - for most of us - to focus externally, missing what’s happening inside. Still whether we recognize it or not, an earthquake “out there” mean big shifts, “in here”.
When illusions are shed, lies uncovered and large scale manipulations revealed, those reverberations happen inside too. We just don’t tend to notice that in the moment. Beliefs that drop - particularly foundational beliefs (like, my government would never try to kill me) require massive rearrangement within our mental, emotional and spiritual selves.
Much like moving furniture around in your home, we have to internally reorganize many of the other pieces in our “house” to make room for the new, and to make it all work again.
Making room for world-view changing information, might create a crises, as we come to realize the home we occupy in not big enough for the new pieces. (Much like when furniture is unpackaged and assembled, and you suddenly realize it won’t fit the room.) What do you do? Returning the furniture works, but only if its furniture. If it’s information you can’t give back, then you’ll need a bigger place to live. If you try to keep the new piece in the old house, you’ll find yourself constantly bumping into it.
General uncomfortableness in our own skin/home ensues.
And there’s nothing straight forward about any of this. We all have mechanisms to keep a sense of stability going, an understandable desire to maintain homeostasis.
While we can see and track many of the changes in the world - often in real time - we tend to notice changes in ourselves after the fact. We’ve all had moments where we note something like: “Wow, if that situation happened to me last year, I would have reacted completely differently.” We see our changes in hindsight.
And just like some structures of our current world who are on their way out - but are doing their best to hold on - there will be aspects to our identities too (which I think of as smaller identities) that simply don’t want to budge.
They become stubborn.
I imagine this stubbornness is due to multiple things and is highly individuated, though still, there are common themes. Like protection. The parts of our identities - that developed to protect us, to keep us safe, or defend us when under attack, have a harder time letting go.
Adding to this complexity, even if we remain consciously clueless of the psychological re-ordering going on, our loved ones, those we are in relationship with, will notice, or at least feel it. They are now in relation with a familiar identity in major transformation.
We all know this phenomenon.
Just as we know what it looks like when furniture is being moved or new houses are being occupied. (Moving is a highly stressful event.) There is frustration and aggravation, often sudden outbursts and emotional upheavals.
When it’s about a physical move - we make allowances: “Well, moving is highly stressful.” When it’s the internal equivalent going on, unseen and so often not understood, we may be less gracious: “Why’s he being such an asshole?”
In short there will be communication break-downs. There will be misunderstandings and hurt feelings. How could it be otherwise?
Even if we are self-aware enough to communicate the inner shifts with someone close, we and they will still be dealing with a new relationship. We’ve changed. Where there was once ease, we might now feel a rub; where previously simpatico, we may now sense a gap.
Big internal changes can be a lonely, painful process. Not just for us, but our loved ones too, who are often as hurt and confused as we are.
Lightly, go lightly.
We each have our own pace, when it comes to adapting to change; our own mysterious way of evolving. Some of us charge in and can’t take it on fast enough - if that’s our nature, well that’s our nature. No right or wrong here. But for many others, it’s a slower, more delicate process.
We really need a lot of mutual good will and the assumption of good intent when relating to each other during times of great change.
One more thought about the stubborn bits of identity. They can be tricky. They figure out ways to stay relevant. They don’t want to die and they sense it’s coming. So, their shadow elements are often in play - which are harder to see. (We tend to project them.)
I’m having these issues in my life. Where I hold on, where I see others hold on. So much easier to see someone else! When I’m absolutely sure it’s “them” I can pretty much assume, it’s me. (And maybe it’s both.)
I’d already gone through escalations in tension and breakdowns in communication when the Covid PSYOP started. An outer ring of my relationships did not survive. Now I’m noticing some some signs of breakdown with my closer relationships; the inner circle. Fortunately, I’ve learned a few things and so have now adjusted my approach. It comes down, I think, to respecting someone else’s pace as much as our own.
Assuming shadow components are in play, is helpful too, because we can’t see what we can’t see. It’s much easier to go to the story about the other person. And just because the story is there, doesn’t mean it’s true.
These stubborn identity-bits create blockages, and stop the flow of life. The speed of which, has been obviously increasing. If we clamp down hard enough (and often this is unconscious) in order to keep that version of ourselves going - which somewhere we believe we need - it may lead to disproportionate explosions of emotion.
That’s always a tell. Our outbursts are usually about us.
We all do it. Until we don’t.
So I guess what I’m saying, because I need to remind myself, is it’s best to create some space around all of this. Go with the flow of life - which can be trusted - and avoid too many stories about it.
We’re all dealing with the challenges of an amazing time. If we can do that without judgment, and ideally with compassion, it will go easier.
Below is a new piece from Margaret Anna Alice, who, as usual, knocks it out of the park.
Thanks for reading.
https://ko-fi.com/kathleen87247
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/devanneyka1
Inspired in part by the work of Jacqueline Hobbs of oraclegirl.com
I forget which psychological inventory it is, but one of them measures across the spectrum of responder to initiator. It is a spectrum that doesn't have one cross axis, but many based, I suspect, on the context of the responding/initiating, rather than on anything psychologically determinative. When it came to the COVID pandemic, it seems that 98% percent of the world became responders. They got the jab and complied with the lockdowns and other social orders. There are some of us who are responders, who didn't respond in the same way. We responded to something deeper, more intuitive in our being. For many of us our way of responding is by initiating towards other people's needs. I see this in business owners who are great initiating in implementing a business strategy, but not so good in responding to customer needs, or worse, knowing how to initiated with staff to create a leadership team.
The concept that you describe as "the Reality-Show-World-of-Perpetually-Manufactured-Crises" is very similar to my Spectacle of the Real concept. In both, people are responding to what they view as the macro trends in the world. They are following what is placed before them. As one member of my family described herself, "I'm a rule follower." She has had her perception of the rules changed over the past few months. Those macro trends are not real, but are a perception designed to influence human behavior. Every micro trend that is included in the macro, has a corresponding set of micro trends that are rejected because it doesn't fit the script.
This line of thought brings me to the question of identity. It is a central question that will impact the future of our world. I think we need to see that identity is not just a social constructed perception of who we are in the midst of the world at large. It is also something derived from an awareness of what I like, what I believe in, what I do well, what I don't do well, how I make judgments about all kinds of things, and ultimately, by what we define as the good life. As far as I can, no one is talking about this, but everyone is simply trying to survive. Yet, until we have some clarity about what the good life is, making the right kind of choices in the midst of global crises about how to respond and how to take initiative will remain difficult to do.
Kathleen, you have a perspective developing here that I think is really important. It is because you are showing us how to make the transition from where we once were to where we want to be. Thank you for articulating this for us. I believe it is going to help a lot of people.
“In short there will be communication break-downs. There will be misunderstandings and hurt feelings. How could it be otherwise? Even if we are self-aware enough to communicate the inner shifts with someone close, we and they will still be dealing with a new relationship. We’ve changed. Where there was once ease, we might now feel a rub; where previously simpatico, we may now sense a gap. Big internal changes can be a lonely, painful process. Not just for us, but our loved ones too, who are often as hurt and confused as we are “
I could have written this about my best friend of 40 years. I have never in all these years felt so disconnected to her. She is awake, but asleep to the actual horror of it all. She and her husband and children got the shots like I did, so I’m trying to give her grace.
“I’m having these issues in my life. Where I hold on, where I see others hold on. So much easier to see someone else! When I’m absolutely sure it’s “them” I can pretty much assume, it’s me. (And maybe it’s both.)”
Yes. I think it’s both of us.
“Now I’m noticing some some signs of breakdown with my closer relationships; the inner circle. Fortunately, I’ve learned a few things and so have now adjusted my approach. It comes down, I think, to respecting someone else’s pace as much as our own.”
I have had to stop sharing things with her. I can no longer be my authentic self. She worries about my anger. Yet she has not experienced a fraction of the loses that I have had this past year.
“These stubborn identity-bits create blockages, and stop the flow of life. The speed of which, has been obviously increasing. If we clamp down hard enough (and often this is unconscious) in order to keep that version of ourselves going - which somewhere we believe we need - it may lead to disproportionate explosions of emotion.”
Oh yes. Happens all the time. In fact just a few minutes ago with my husband.
“We’re all dealing with the challenges of an amazing time. If we can do that without judgment, and ideally with compassion, it will go easier.”
Thank you for this advice. I will remind myself of this every day.
Margaret Anna Alice is a true gift. And I have her to thank because I found you, through her 🥰