When I was a kid I wanted to be like Elizabeth Montgomery, who played “Sam” in Bewitched, and could twinkle her nose to clean a room. For some reason her husband - Darrin - was offended by this marvel of a gift - what made her obviously special - and so when Sam used her innate talents, this often came with feelings of tension, apology and guilt.
Apparently there was more nobility in Sam vacuuming her own carpets rather than making the vacuum do it for her while she snapped her fingers and herself off to Rome, say, for a slice of authentic pizza. (Which is definitely what I would done.)
The character Darrin, as I remember it, was basically a kill-joy. Self-involved, whiney and always worried about what his buffoon of a boss thought of him.
(Even as a little kid I knew that I wouldn’t want to hang out with a Darrin, let alone agree to eliminate my awesomeness to please him.)
There were layers of programming baked in to Bewitched - like every other “family” show - and I’m sure I absorbed many of them.
The one that stands out to me as I write this is the messaging that Sam should not use her abilities and instead try and to be like the other suburban housewives. In other words - dimming herself was preferable to not fitting in.
Why would she - or anyone - agree to this? In the show it was because she wanted to please her mortal husband (who was remarkably unremarkable). The sacrifice in other words, was for love. (It was never really explored what sort of “love” would require giving up a part of yourself in order to access.)
Fitting in was more important to Darrin - and apparently Sam - than just being themselves, or being happy. And, if you had to lie to your husband occasionally, hide stuff from him now and again, that was okay too so long as when you got caught, you gave him that devilish smile and batted your eyes while you handed over that freshly poured martini.
I have a point coming.
Caring about what other people thought, going along, fitting in, pleasing the boss, pleasing your husband - all of this was more important than just being oneself.
That’s some good programming. (Pun intended.)
This is just a small example of the ways in which we’ve all been taught to contort ourselves in order to play nice and get along. The subtext is that it doesn’t matter if you have to become a fake version of yourself in the process. It’s more important to be polite.
Darrin preferred Sam to pretend she was just like a normal woman, rather than be the witchy woman she was. And she went a long with it.
To varying degrees - we’ve all done that to live in this made-up world; we’ve gone along with it.
The desire to connect with people is so human, natural and obvious and yet connections are often tenuous and easily broken precisely because we’re including elements of ourselves in those connections that are contortions to an inherited ideal and not at all, real.
We project things on each other based on absorbed ideas about how friends, spouses and others, should behave and then ultimately limit each other in the same ways we’ve limited ourselves. In doing this, we recast the subtle-not-so-subtle spell marketers spun on us about the importance of conforming.
We all share a desire for community, and acceptance in community yet we live with the conditions (and conditioning) that undermines that. For instance, no one is nice all the time. Yet many of us will try to act that way - and it is a performance - in order not to hurt feelings or be perceived in an unflattering way.
We pay a price for getting and going along. It’s not a small price either.
Small moments of inauthenticities add up: not saying what you’re thinking because it might offend, couching what you say to make it more palatable, smiling when you don’t mean it, agreeing because it’s easier, all this adds up over time and soon our public personas take over and we can barely find ourselves underneath the imperceptible fabric of all those fabrications.
For something so fundamentally wired into us - connections, community - its fully nuts that we’ve set things up to not be real with each other. (Not saying ‘we’ve’ done that either - it’s the Reality-Show world we inherited.)
Everyone recognizes and appreciates Real. Who doesn’t forgive a heart-felt apology? Admittance of being wrong or duped tends to illicit feelings of compassion and empathy. We all relate to expressions of real emotion, and applaud their expression because we have them too. We relate to each other when we’re honest and drop the personas.
And sometimes too, being real makes people uncomfortable. It can bump up against the places in us where we’ve been hiding - in order to be accommodating and acceptable. It breaks the politeness spell. We don’t necessarily like it when we’re confronted by someone who is reflecting those hidden places. We have gotten used to dimming ourselves and adapting to what we’ve been conditioned to see as “acceptable.”
So, I applaud those who are committed to being themselves and having the courage to rock the boat in the process. These are the spell-breakers. We may not always like it, but they are in service to us. They will not be dimmed and they deserve our respect and appreciation.
Here are a couple stackers who do that: Sage Hana, who won’t play nice when nefarious doings are afoot and will shine a light on questionable players, even when it’s not popular to do so:
And, MAA, who with this last post, lost a bunch of subscribers, who had their sensibilities rattled. Too bad on them - Margaret Anna is a bright light and fierce talent who I suspect will never allow pressure to censor her voice.
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I find that I have "gotten used to dimming (myself) and adapting to what we’ve been conditioned to see as “acceptable.” These past 11 months have evolved me into someone else (who sometimes even I don't recognize!). Because of that, I've lost family and friendships. But, I refuse to be silent to all the abhorrent behavior, blindness and just plain stupidity that I've witnessed this last 2 1/2 years.
I found the following on the Malones stack on Sunday (Sunday Strip). It was very small. I couldn't read on my phone, so I sent to my desktop. What a profound treasure. I could have written it. I wish I had. It sums up the last 11 months of my life perfectly (that is when I awakened). I sent it to my husband so he could truly understand where I've been coming from. It resonated with him in a way that actually shocked me. I now have his total support. Although he has almost fully awakened, he'd been fighting me - not wanting to read articles I've sent him. He is frightened (not an easy thing for him to admit). So am I, but I have my faith in our Lord to calm my fears. Here is that profound piece:
To ALL MY FRIENDS OUT THERE who know what's really going on ... To all my conspiracy realist friends ...
Yes, sometimes it's a curse and not always a blessing to be AWAKE.
Awakening is the most liberating, alienating, excruciating, empowering, lonely, confusing, freeing, frightening, expansive journey.
If you find yourself struggling as you try to process all this insanity, you are not alone.
No one talks about the darkness that accompanies awakening, or the GRIEF. Not only grieving the life and illusions you once had, but the realization that almost everything you thought you once knew, is a LIE.
The beliefs you've held, people you've trusted, principles you were taught- ALL LIES.
Shattering illusions is RARELY an enjoyable experience. There is a considerable amount of discomfort that comes with growth and the grieving process doesn't stop there.
With these newfound realizations, you then find yourself grieving all over again. Grieving for our children, knowing all too well the broken world they are inheriting. Grieving the loss of many relationships with people who just don't "get it".
Feeling alone, being ridiculed and shamed, not only by the masses, but for many of you, your very own family and friends too.
Feeling like you no longer have much in common with the people you are surrounded by. Struggling with carrying on bullshit, shallow conversations that lack substance with those who are still fast asleep.
Even feeling disconnected from your entire support system because they can't see what you see. Some even grieve the loss of their ignorance- because "ignorance is bliss" and reality is harsh. Awakening can be a lonely road and you will often find yourself journeying alone.
There is no way to sugar coat it- Awakening to the realities of this world is brutal. It will have you running through the entire gamut of human emotions.
You have to master the art of diving down the darkest of rabbit holes only to come out and still function in daily life, and that's a skill people don't talk about enough.
Some of you are struggling with feeling disconnected from family and friends, it's as though they exist in another world.
Please know you are NOT ALONE, and not only are you not alone, you have an entire tribe standing with you. We may be separated by miles, but we are DEEPLY connected; in purpose and in spirit.
So true. I know a musician who is the son of Elizabeth Montgomery. We who managed to survive such epic nonsense are fortunate. Darrin was the serial abuser who camouflaged his true nature well. Serial abusers do a great job of disguising their true intentions.